Indecent Proposal

INDECENT PROPOSAL
By Hidesato Sakakibara

November 1, 1999

There are so many beautiful men in this world. Regardless of how much I love my “husband,” I can never stop gazing at the constant display of God’s handiwork parading around me. While in Tokyo before my move to New York I was sure that I would miss looking at all the gorgeous men, but now in New York I see that the supply is endless, everywhere, in this world.

It may be strange that I write this. Most people believe that as you pass thirty-something your ability to notice and want men is diminished somewhat. In my case, not at all. I am as attracted to men as I was when I was 18, only now am less inclined to do something about it.

We have been in New York City for a few years now, and one of the good things to being here is the wide variety of men available. Not just different types of Western men, but various Asians, Middle Easterners, African Americans, Latinos, and more. There are so many, and, it seems, all for the asking. Or, as the song goes, “So many men, so little time.”

During the few years we have been here we have had the opportunity to meet with various PLUS couples, East-West couples as well as White-White and Asian-Asian couples. It is good for a couple like us to be able to meet with and relate to other couples since we have a certain rapport that we don’t have with single men. But we want to also make friends with single men because a nice guy is a nice guy. We are also always interested in making friends with lesbians. Again, a nice guy is a nice guy.

Meeting people and making friends is one thing that I like to do. I believe it is good, not only for friendship, but also for education’s sake. By hearing directly from people their feelings, experiences, etc., I am indeed richer myself. But one thing I have noticed here is the difficulty of making PLUS friends if I reveal that I am married to M. Make no mistake, we have made friends, but compared to single men I believe that doing so is that much harder. It seems that everyone is busy looking for Mr. Right or looking for an ONS.

We tried placing personal advertisements for friends in the Internet, explicitly stating that we were a couple and that we wanted platonic friendship. Some of the many replies that we received were obscene, to say the least. Some requested to date one of us, others requested a three-some (3P). I wondered, “Don’t these people read? Or are they all that desperate that they will respond to any ad?”

But we have met people. Many people. And we have come to realize that many people expect us to cheat, and that many partners in relationships cheat.

Why is it that so many PLUS cheat? Is it because the entire PLUS movement, despite some changes to the contrary, is still geared toward sex? After all, without sex, what is the use of being a homoSEXual? as one PLUS guy, David, once asked me. To him, and to so many others like him, the object of being PLUS is to enjoy as many different men as possible. Relationship? No prob, as long as it doesn’t get in the way of the great purpose: having unlimited sex.

Of course, David does not represent all of the PLUS community, but from what I have witnessed he does represent a large portion, some might say too large, of people that believe that sex anywhere at anytime with anybody is justified.

And many do support him. Take a look at the media. Most gay magazines in the US as well as Japan concentrate on sex and the male body. No, I am not speaking of pornographic picture books, but of magazines that are supposed to be at the mainstream of the gay media. In New York, even one eye doctor uses near-naked male bodies to advertise eye cornea laser surgery. Sex sells.

So the images of gorgeous naked men abound, at least in the US and Japan, in the gay media, as well as in general advertising. And personally, I find it amusing. To me, there is nothing like ending a hard day’s work at the office then to be able to look up and see the large billboard for Calvin Klein underwear and the hunk that is filling those briefs.

For those of us that work out at sports clubs, the temptations get stronger. At least from what I have seen in my sports club, B, in New York, as well as from the various sports clubs in Tokyo, such as N, T or X, there are beautiful, built PLUS men galore, many of them displaying their wares in the shower room. I know, I have dated some of them.

So yes, it is hard to stay faithful, very hard, with temptations abounding. And it is even harder with the temptations so up close and personal.

One guy who answered our ad on the Internet wrote very specifically that he too had a partner and they wanted to meet another couple for friendship. Great, I thought.

It just so happened that the day we were supposed to meet, my partner needed to meet someone concerning his then pending PR visa application (scroll down to read my piece PAPER CHASING and the ride we took on that emotional roller coaster). Anyway, it was unexpected so I went to meet this couple by myself. I got there, a Starbucks in midtown, and the other guy, Calvin (a 30-year-old Hong Kong Chinese) was there, without his better half. According to him, his partner, Kevin, (white American, mid-40s) was called out of town suddenly and couldn’t make it. Fair enough.

After an hour of talking, Calvin very carefully revealed that he not only liked white men, but was attracted to Asians and Latinos as well. Hmmm. Interesting, I thought. He also stated that he worked out and could tell that I did as well and, as he put it, the two of us could have more than just a platonic relationship. After all, his place was not far away, we were both there, and, more importantly, our partners were not. Even more interesting, I thought. My juices started flowing.

Calvin was gorgeous, and to be frank, I was inclined to say yes. Why I turned him down is beyond me. My desire to be an honest man? My fear of the unknown? Fear of AIDS? Fear of being massacred by Kevin? I’ll never really know. But I did refuse his proposal.

So many PLUS couples cheat. Maybe it is because we feel free to do so since we are not legally married (and can’t be, at least in the US and Japan). Maybe because we are men, and according to Dorothy Zbornack on one old Golden Girls rerun I happened to catch, “Men, are scum.”

I have noticed that of the many East-West couples that we have acquainted, so many are in cheating relationships (or open marriages, depending upon which way you look at it). Look at the RQ-PQ clubs such as P near Bloomingdales department store. A lot of the “married” guys that I know hang out there, both Asian and Western alike. In more than one instance I know of guys that “innocently” used to go for drinks there, met someone, and, over time, left their relationships, or continue long-term sexual relationships without the other partner knowing it.

Getting back to Calvin, on the train home I was busy patting myself on the back for being a “good boy” and for not succumbing to temptation. Then suddenly it hit, that it may not have been so bad to have a round with him after all.

This thought soon became a thought process, justifying why any interlude would be forgivable, and I couldn’t help stop thinking of what would have happened had I said yes. Suddenly, images of Calvin naked appeared in my head, his beautiful flawless skin, his hard muscles, and my conception of his perfect, just right penis. What a jerk I was, to have given up such a great chance. The moment had passed, I thought, and that was the end of that. But was it?

At home I still could not stop thinking of Calvin, and the countless other guys that I knew I wanted, and who, either directly or indirectly, I knew or hoped wanted me. Would it really be so bad if no one knew, if my husband M never found out, if Calvin’s spouse were also kept in the dark? Oh, why did I blow it? Manuke! Manuke! Manuke! (Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!)

Then something happened, sort of like an unseen, inviting, coaxing darker power that gripped me, and almost involuntarily I called Calvin. “Calvin,” I said, “about today. Well, I gave it a lot of thought and frankly, I am up to your proposal. Are you still interested?” There was a pause, and then he spoke. “Sure, but not tonight. How about tomorrow?” “Fine,” I said. We then set a time and place. Yes, you could say that the devil made me do it.

Luckily for us, Kevin would still be out of town, and I would simply tell M that I was going to the gym. No one would know. Perfect. The plot was set.

Tomorrow came faster than I had imagined. Since I was to meet Calvin at noontime I got up a little earlier than I do on a Sunday to take a shower and “prepare”. Truthfully, I had trouble maintaining myself while naked. The thought of Calvin soon being close enough to taste lingered in my mind. “Control,” I thought to myself, “control, and don’t spill “it” before you even meet him.”

I met Calvin at a bench on 3rd Ave. in midtown, near his place (actually his partner’s place that they share). We went up to his apartment and he offered me a drink. He brought the drink in, then sat down next to me. It was summer, and he had on short pants and an athletic running shirt, the kind with large open armholes so I could see the hair in his underarms each time he needed to life his arms, even slightly. That alone turned me on. Calvin was well built, and he smelled good, with just the right touch of cologne that mixed nicely with his own natural faint sexy odor. (I can’t stand it that a lot of PLUS guys feel they have to compete with Agent Orange in the strength of their cologne. Please, fellas, just dab it, not douche in it.)

So here was Calvin sitting right next to me, looking good, smelling good, and, I could notice through his worn short pants that he was harder than a seat on the New York subway. He was ready and I was ready and our members were ready and oh momma, was it going to be good. My mind began to plan an attack. Should I put my hand on his knee, or better yet, on his crotch? Or should I start by gently grabbing his nipples through the armholes of his shirt? Perhaps I should tell him that he smelled good, and ask if I could get a closer whiff. That would get things going, I thought. Or maybe I should be a slut and ask what he tasted like.

Then, just as I was about to make my move, just as I was raising my hand to put on his shoulder (or where ever), my head turned so that I caught a glimpse of the picture frame on a table in back of the sofa where we were sitting. There was a picture of Calvin and Kevin, with Kevin’s arm around his Calvin, HIS Calvin. “That’s Kev” Calvin said, noticing my attention drawn to the picture frame. ‘He looks like a nice guy,” I said. “He’s a great guy,” replied Calvin, and no sooner did he say those words that the rush hit. No, not a rush of the ejaculatory kind, but a rush of thoughts and emotions that swelled into my head about me, my M, and our lives together. Yes, I may have gotten used to seeing M naked and the sex may have become infrequent and, forgive me, stale, but M was my partner, just as Calvin was Kevin’s partner. Did I have any right to intrude upon that, regardless of the initial move being made by Calvin?

“But wait a minute,” I thought, “Perhaps theirs is an open marriage, or perhaps they are both cheating left and right. Anyway, it’s not my problem.” Now Calvin was getting ready for his next move and even before I had the chance to place the picture frame back on the table he made his attack, slowly kneeling over and placing the tip of his tongue into my left ear. His breath smelled good too, sweet and minty, and I knew that he had also prepared for our little rendezvous. I could notice a small drop of moisture on the crotch of his pants and wondered if he had underwear on. Was I really going to be so foolish as to miss out on this one great sexual adventure?

I wanted him so much my mouth was salivating, but it was no use. I couldn’t get the images of M out of my mind. The fact that he was in the US because of me. The fact that he was going from lawyer to lawyer (as I was) trying to get help for his PR visa, so we could stay together in the US haunted me. I was stepping out on M, and in doing so I was stepping out on myself, seemingly throwing away any self-respect I thought I had. Now another unseen power had taken grip, but not of my body but rather of my mind.

Rather than give in to carnal desire, I should have assessed the situation more carefully before I called Calvin yesterday, I thought. Now here I am, with both of our masts raised, but with no intention on my part to go ahead with hooking up.

“Calvin,” I said, as he pulled off his A shirt to reveal a fairly good body and protruding chest. I choked on each word as I barely managed to spit out the following: “I…think…I’ve…got…to…go…now. I’m…sorry.” Calvin was in shock. He suddenly hated me, I could tell by his contracting pupils. He hated me for leaving and I hated me for coming while my penis hated me for teasing. “I’m sorry,” I said, “but I suddenly don’t feel well. I think you are great, but I’ve got to go.” He was stunned, and then came his reply, a cold “So, go!”

I dashed out of there as fast as I could. While in the elevator leaving his building I suddenly felt dirty, the kind of feeling I thought I would feel after having sex with Calvin, and not before. I kept seeing images of M, then images of Calvin with Kevin’s arm around him, then of imagined scenes of Calvin and Kevin fighting and splitting apart, and I then felt good for leaving, although just momentarily.

This incident happened over one year ago, and I had managed to put it out of my mind, but recent news that another PLUS couple had “divorced” has brought it all back to vivid memory. Why couples cheat is always of interest to me, although I myself had a near miss. Just sex, or, in my case, almost just sex. But what about the others?

Cheating goes on no matter what type of couple, East-West, Asian-Asian, etc. However, I have noticed that in the case of East-West couples, a lot of the cheating is a mixture of lust as well as possible troubles on a different level. In the cases of broken East-West relationships, the cheating was usually the last step down a long path of problems relating to lack of communication, linguistic inadequacies, sharp differences in culture and thinking, etc. Not that these problems cannot exist in an Asian-Asian relationship, but are usually ever-more pronounced in East-West relationships. In Japan as well as from my observations in the US, the cheating starts when one partner is upset with the other.

I let a few weeks pass and then called Calvin, partly to apologize, partly to see if we could ever really be friends, and partly because I now felt bonded to him, two brothers in lust, or, as we say in Japanese, echydoshi. I was so sure that upon hearing my voice Calvin would almost instantly switch off his cellular phone, and that would be that. Surprisingly, he did not.

I said hello, he responded, and I got down and said what I had to say. We started talking and decided to be friends despite the fuckless fiasco that had transpired only a few weeks before. Now I didn’t feel so bad. I rationalized, “at least I made a friend.”

To make a long story short, we met, got friendly (and only friendly) and talked and laughed and everything went along smoothly. We met a few more times, had a few more phone conversations, and all was well. I talked about M but he almost never talked about Kevin.

Then one day on the phone he said what I was surprised and at the same time expecting him to say, that Kevin and he were having troubles and perhaps the end was in sight. Again, the picture of Kevin and Calvin came to mind. “Why?” I asked. But no sooner had I asked that a barrage of complaints about Kevin came spurting forth from Calvin’s mouth. The same, sweet mouth that was licking my ear a few weeks earlier was now a bitter source of complaints.

According to Calvin, Kevin was good-looking and built like a horse, but was also demanding, uncaring, and bossy. Strangely, I have heard these comments from other Asians in East-West relationships, especially in relationships with Americans. Calvin also suspected Kevin of cheating, and that was “the last straw.” “But Calvin,” I said, “do you remember our incident of a few months back?” I said. “YOU’RE calling KEVIN flirtatious?”

But Calvin continued, saying that trouble had been brewing for almost eight months before he and I had ever met. “I don’t like his self-assumed authority in our relationship” he continued, “and I don’t like his recent roughness in bed, if and when we do it. It is as if he just wants to get it over with.” “But isn’t that true with most couples who have been together for some time?” I said. Calvin replied, “Perhaps, but when we do have sex he is in such a hurry to finish. The last time we did it, a month back, he wasn’t careful and shot himself into my eye!” Ouch. That must have hurt, I thought.

According to Calvin, he could put up with Kevin’s sexual speed and lack of aim, but the bossiness and increasing lack of attention he could not stand anymore. He went on and on. He then let on that he had been sleeping around for quite some time, and had also been frequenting P and The W.

(For those readers, who have never visited New York City, P bar is a gay bar in midtown Manhattan that on Saturday nights hosts an “Asian Night.” Most of those that attend, from my few experiences there, are RQs and PQs. The W is a small, rather old disco not far from P in midtown as well. It is also predominately filled with RQs and PQs, but I have heard that lately some Asians are able to meet other Asians there.)

I thought to myself that this was just another guy I knew that had a partner but was also on the loose. As I mentioned earlier, more than a few guys that hang out at P bar and The W seem to already have partners, as we have met many ourselves. This is yet another reason to get to know a person well enough before you start making plans with him.

One white American guy I know, Bradley, met a Vietnamese guy, Van, at P bar. They dated for a few months, but Van would never allow Bradley to visit him at home. Bradley became suspicious, but decided to believe Van when he said that he shared a room at a Vietnamese family’s house. Poor Bradley. He was in such a state of shock when he found out that Van had been cheating on his live-in lover with him. What’s more, Van was still frequenting the bars during the weeknights.

So what is the topic of this essay? That PLUS men (East-West, Asian-Asian, etc.) should take gay partnerships more seriously, as seriously as most hetties do their relationships. If you are planning to “marry” a guy, it may be a good idea to check him out, and if possible, get to know his family as well. Before M and I decided to seriously tie the knot he met my parents and I met his.

As I mentioned before, too many PLUS of all types still do not take PLUS relationships seriously. For many, their relationships are temporary, someone to be with until their next, and hopefully more ideal mate, comes along. This is true in Japan as well and I have heard that is the case in most of Asia. If true, then how can we expect society at large to accept us and give us full marriage and immigration rights when we do not respect our own relationships?

Physical attraction is an important aspect, but it shouldn’t be the main reason to hitch up. A lot of Western men that I have met have been burned time and time again, running after guys that are “young and cute.” If casual encounters is all that one is interested in then fine, but the long lamenting that I have heard after many-a break up leads me to think that many, despite their toughened exteriors, are looking for real partnerships.

In Calvin’s case, his main reason for moving in with Kevin was Kevin’s good looks and strength. Calvin likes strong men and those that take the lead in bed. Great, but those that take the lead in bed will also be prone to take the lead in other parts of daily life as well. That is their general nature. Since I never had the chance to meet and get to know Kevin I will never know his side of the story, but hey, give the guy a break here. I know of no man who is a lion in bed and a pussycat in life.

Getting back to the infatuation with the young and cute, younger guys of all types tend to be less serious about relationships and more flirtatious than those men that have already had their fill of playing around and want to settle down. As the hetties say, most men in their 20s and even early 30s need to sow their oats. I believe them.

Except for the near miss with Calvin, I have been faithful to M throughout the years that we have been together. However, I definitely was not like that when I was younger. Until I was about 35 I would rarely come home on Saturday nights. Saturdays were devoted to dating, dancing and sex. At that age, I felt that sex was what it was all about, so I avoided the bar scene, which I never much cared for anyway.

Contrary to what many believe, Japan has had an active gay culture for a very long time. The late 1980s and early 1990s has seen the start of literally dozens of new clubs and sex clubs in perhaps every major city. Some are large and clean, others not. But if sex is what one is after then Japan, and in particular Tokyo, is the place to be. Compared to Tokyo, New York seems like the Vatican. Many men who have been to Tokyo have said the same thing, and this only reinforces my belief that the US, despite being liberal on the surface, is still a very conservative society. (For more on this scroll down and read The AmeriCANS!) I have heard and read that the gay scene in Japan in general and Tokyo in particular these past few years is getting even more active, with more and more Japanese men coming out of the closet.

(And also contrary to what many believe, most PLUS establishments in Japan DO allow non-Japanese entry.)

So I had my fun. And, luckily, it was always safe fun. So to all those guys, especially older guys that are out looking for the young and the restless, yes, you will meet them, and they may be cute, but it is highly likely that they will not stick around for too long. If you can expect this, and accept this, then fine. If not, then be careful of what and who you are looking for.

There are also too many younger Asian guys that are more interested in financial support in exchange for affection. If that is made clear from the start then I see nothing wrong with it, as long as both parties are consenting adults. However, too many guys are quite deceiving about their real motives, and work hard to get their so-called American partner to love them and look after them, while all the while having no intention of staying in the relationship.

I have been very saddened by some of the conversations with guys I have met. Many are looking for a quickie while having others support them through school, while at the same time cultivating relationships with those they are genuinely interested in on the side. This is yet another reason that I plead with every man out there planning a long-term relationship with someone, GET TO KNOW HIM FIRST. It seems like common sense, but readers will be surprised how blind love and sex can make people. My friend Winston was wiped out, supporting his Filipino guy’s college tuition and living expenses. No sooner did Ricky graduate and was employed that he was packing to leave. Worse yet, there was nothing Winston could do. Financially Winston was damaged, but emotionally he was devastated.

I know that there are many cases in which trust and chance play a big role, but spending more time with a guy before the real living, loving and financial sharing begins is also important.

Again, I am seeing too many relationships (and when I say relationships, I mean partnerships of over one year of actual cohabitation. Simply dating does not count in my book as a partnership) disintegrate, and to me this is heart wrenching. It is as painful to hear such news as the dissolution of any marriage between a man and woman. When even more PLUS learn to think in these terms, and more importantly, to EXPECT that marriage between two men or women carries the same weight as a hettie marriage, then even greater changes will start to happen, I believe. We will demand even more strongly the same rights from our political leadership and we will define ourselves and our existence even more boldly while living in the midst of heterosexual society, in the US, in Japan, and elsewhere.

But the first step, the main ingredient for change for greater acceptance for the PLUS community, starts right now in our minds. By POSITIVELY believing that we are in or have the right to real marriages, we will then only naturally expect more and do what is necessary to make these changes happen.

For those of us that simply want to play, great. Play, and be honest of your intentions. For those of us married folk that just absolutely, positively have to do it with someone else, it is a complicated matter. My advice is to avoid the urge to do so. Have a “black out” period, where you make a strong vow to not have sex with anyone for a fixed period, say, six months. Once that period is over, do it again. If that doesn’t do the trick, be careful, discreet, and try not to make it a habit. Again, I am not condoning such actions, but I know that for some men it may be hard to stay totally monogamous ad infinitum. It is totally your call.

Getting back to Calvin, a couple of months later he did leave Kevin. I met Calvin for the last time a few months back. We had dinner, and we both went to the subway together. Calvin had found a place in Brooklyn and after we said farewell I saw him waiting on the platform for the “B” train at 34th St., while I was waiting across the tracks for the uptown express. Just before his train had arrived he nodded his head good bye to me. I shouted out that I would call him, and he shouted back that he would do likewise. I watched as his train pulled into the station, saw him get on, and stood there as the train pulled out.

A few weeks passed but he never did call. I then tried calling, but Calvin had changed his cellular phone number. It happens, I thought. He most likely wanted to start afresh: new place, new friends, new faces, forget anything and anybody connected to his time with Kevin. So I never saw him again, and that is a shame because I really liked him. Good-bye Calvin, my sexless sexual encounter.


Note: All names given above are fictitious. Conversations are described to the best extent of the author’s memory. Some details have been changed to protect people now living. The author also wishes to thank all those that have shown their support of his writings, either by contacting him directly or via the Editor at OG. Any and all comments are welcome. Lastly, although the author has met many “married” men at the establishments listed above, or knows of such men that frequent these establishments, this in no way signifies that these managements know of or encourage any particular clientele of any wrong doing, either legal or moral. The perceptions and viewpoints are clearly only those of the author.